Turning 25

Normally birthdays, for me, are non-events. I've never really made a big deal out of them; they're just another day. In fact, if it was possible to universally gauge ourselves in terms of general maturity and other non-substantial things, I'd think we'd have more to celebrate than our current time-counting method.

In any case (jeez, I get sidetracked easy!), I'm approaching my 25th birthday, and thus far, have done so with an air of indifference, until yesterday. I slipped into a state of melancholy, due to some recent, life-impacting changes, and suddenly my 25th seemed more of an occasion than I thought. The past year, for me, has involved quite the dose of change within me as a person, and before this set of changes, there were quite a few in the previous 5 or 6 years. A great friend, Paul, says "not many people find a sense of ‘person’; they spend a lifetime in self discovery". I feel as though I've finally come into myself, I'm finally living as me. My life had been so fearful, so hindered, so painful before, but all of that has been shed, thank God. So many of my "issues" have been brought out into the open, exposed, and shot down (again, thank God). I feel as though I'm a new man, but the same man; as if I was the false Matt before, now the real Matt. And of course, I can't stop telling everyone how happy I am! (I hope people aren't bothered by it, but I can't hide it!)

So with this "new lease" on life, and with other things changing in my life, I was thinking yesterday that maybe I should treat 25 as a milestone, a turning point. I view the first 25 years of my life as preparatory years, years of establishment, then breaking that establishment, and creating a new establishment. And of course, a good foundation is the beginning of any building project. Now I can begin to build, to live as I am meant to live, to do the things that I feel are in my heart to do.

Please don't read that I think I've reached perfection (haha!), but that I've reached a good place to start. If I had tried to do the things that were "in my heart" to do in my former self, I would've left disasters everywhere I went. I don't think there should be shame in saying that you are better than you were before.

I now want to face 25 with a conscious objective. I want to use the above reasoning as ammunition against procrastination and laziness, and as fuel for perseverance. I want to live proactively, instead of my current reactive way.

So I'm going to take some time to reflect on the past few years, to take a look at what I've been doing, how I've been living, the effects and their causes. I'm also going to [try to] apply what I learn from that to the beginning of the next 25 years. That is, what am I doing wrong? How can I do better? What am I doing right? Also, I need to figure out what exactly it is that I feel I must get done in my life; what should the first few years of my next 25 involve? What is my (dare I use the mystical word) destiny? A retreat is an order.

I've got a week off work (thank God!) and a head full of thoughts (oi!), so I'm excited to get to it.

Oh ya, and I'll be doing this on the sandy beaches of Oregon, starting Monday!

I'll let you know how it goes ...