Saturday, December 29, 2007

On A Boat To Nowhere

My deep psyche offers up an image symbolizing my current phase of life. It is one of a small white sail boat, having just left shore. The sands are gold, and the port city is old, white, and well-lit. The deep blue of the ocean the boat is riding on expands into darker and darker shades, and then to pure black. It seems the journey is to nowhere, and will end with defeat.

I have it good - really good. I live in a wealthy country, in a wealthy city, surrounded by varying degrees of wealth. I have a great job, I am working my way up the corporate ladder quicker than others, next month I will be the youngest supervisor in my entire company. At 25, I am set for life, set for a good career, set for the upper middle class, condo, cars, and travel. All signs point to success! It worries me that I am settling in for the ride, accepting the journey.

When I remember to give myself a reality check, I quickly come to the conclusion that this is nothing. It is nothing, it is worth nothing, it will amount to nothing, and I am wasting my life. It is a prevailing thought in my mind when it is not busy thinking about other things, that I am for more than this, that we all are for more than this. I can't speak for everyone, but we are wasting our lives!

I feel like I'm soley responsible for wasting my life, as I am not trying at all. Like the movement of the little sailboat is because of its sail catching the strength of another force, the wind, so am
I, coasting along, not putting any effort in. But I still go forward.

But what do I do? Most people say that to add meaning to their life they need to go out and "make a difference", but I don't care about making a difference. Yeah, the world sucks, but the forecast doesn't call for anything better. There's charity, but I'm a skeptic. I don't want to be charitible just to make myself feel better, or to create the "well-balanced" life that all the "experts" say I should have.

I want to do what God made me to do, which will involve my natural gifting and deep passions. Maybe some of what He has planned for me is charity and "making a difference" - let it be. Maybe it will be something else entirely. I know one thing is true, He did not make me to be an industrial robot or a human resource.

I feel ready. Like I've grown up, shaken off the oppression and binds of a past life, given sight to faith, born a healthy degree of skepticism, and rooted myself in reality. Enough, anyway, to
take on whatever He has for me.

1 comment:

John said...

Matt, I've been reading around in the land of blog and this seems to be a familiar theme. Maybe it's because we tend to take inventory of our lives on memorable dates on the calendar. Who knows.

I'm neither wise nor a sage (I prefer parsley), but you are not alone in this although your boat seems empty. The big blue sea is full of tiny white boats.

I know I've said to you previously not to concentrate on the doing but on the being, but I know there is something inside us that is constantly stirring us toward fulfillment. We all want to DO something useful. The fact that your itch has turned to an ache might just be indicative that you are indeed ready.

You are miles ahead of many your age in more ways than one.